The Dark Night Of The Soul
“I DON’T KNOW!”--I scream silently to myself so that no one can hear. Yelling at or towards people is unbecoming of a pastor, isn’t it? What would those closest to me think if I said what I thought? Am I having another episode, or am I just being lazy? Please stop asking me, “What’s wrong?” If I knew what was wrong, then I’d fix it. Maybe nothing is wrong. Perhaps, this is just who I am, moody, depressive, short-tempered, and exhausted. Is this what the rest of my life is? Fighting back irritability and tears of frustration when all I want to do is to be left alone is a recurring sense that can last hours, days, or weeks. These feelings come and go as months pass with no episodes, but then the dread and existential crisis return as it seeks to overcome me once more.
“Fluidity of conscious” seems to be a good descriptor of what it’s like to live with depression as a Christian and a pastor. One moment to the next can change as rapidly as a river flowing from a mountaintop. Day to day, week to week, month to month, moods change without warning and seemingly without provocation. Productivity ebbs and flows from periods of incredible efficiency to a lackluster performance that sees even the most simple tasks become as difficult as climbing Kilimanjaro.
Where is my God amid such diversity of emotion and despair? Has God forgotten me? Has my Savior abandoned me in my time of distress? “By no means!”-- I’m reminded. He who has bought me with his blood indwells me by the Spirit. As the war wages in my soul due to the fallen condition of our world, my God maintains his grip, wrapping me warmly in the blanket of his Word. This is depression and anxiety stemming from Post Traumatic Stress. It’s an inner battle that wages war within the souls of many. Conflict flares up as one walks through the minefields of life, often unaware of the triggers that might fire the next shot.
What is depression?
According to Psychiatry.com, “Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable.” According to the same article, its symptoms include:
Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
Loss of energy or increased fatigue
Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., inability to sit still, pacing, hand-wringing) or slowed movements or speech (these actions must be severe enough to be observable by others)
Feeling worthless or guilty
Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
Thoughts of death or suicide
Can Christians be depressed?
Yes! There are several examples of Scripture that indicate faithful believers struggled as they pursued God and yet suffered from the very symptoms above. Consider Elijah, who, after calling down fire from heaven to defeat the prophets of Baal (1 Kings 18). He then flees in fear from Jezebel and prays, “But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.” (19:4)
The great reformer, Martin Luther, was struck with depression, or melancholy as it was termed in those days. Charles Spurgeon suffered as well. These great men of the faith loved Christ, his people, and yet they fought against the tyranny of the soul’s despair. Though afflicted, both men courageously fought their battles, and God continued to bless their ministries. There’s much to learn from Luther and Spurgeon as they maintained their efforts to serve God’s Kingdom by God’s grace and God’s Word.
It’s mentioned in one article that Luther saw his condition as a means by which God’s power is found. The Apostle Paul writes, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. ” (1 Cor. 12:9-10)
Psalm 42 and 43 depict the cries of a saint whose eyes look to God though they despair and suffer. The Psalmist writes, “As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. 2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? 3 My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” (Ps. 42:1-3) The author concludes with these words: “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. .” (Ps. 43:5)
What should you do if the dark night comes?
First and foremost, you must consider whether you are safe. If you are thinking about killing yourself, you need to immediately find someone to be with you until you can find a professional to assess your mental state. Wishing your death and making a plan to take your own life are two different things. You are not better off dead, and neither are those who love you most.
Second, seek out spiritual counsel. God’s Word is powerful, and the passages mentioned above help affirm that God sees you. He loves you, and your suffering is not permanent. His love for you is everlasting. Christ has rescued you from sin and promised you eternal life. At Christ’s return, there is no more suffering, but as we live in the “here and not yet,” we will endure life’s cruel frailties if only to display God’s grace through his strength that is demonstrated in our weakness. Pray the Psalms, seek God’s abundant mercy and ask for him to make his presence known to you. God is always with you, but we sometimes feel so far away from God that we wonder if he even hears our cries.
Third, consider counseling and therapy. Depression is a diagnosable mental health condition that includes a chemical imbalance in the brain. Sometimes it can be treated through only counseling, and at other times it requires medication. You are not weak in seeking help. God has blessed us with resources that far exceed that of those who’ve come before us. As a pastor, I’ve taken several undergraduate courses in counseling and mental health. I’m not an expert in mental health, but there are professionals who diagnose and treat depression daily. Though Christians should exercise some caution in selecting psychologists, counselors, and therapists because their religious views might skew from our own, there is much to learn from their research and experience. Keep in mind that these professionals, whether they realize it or not, serve their community with God’s gifts of wisdom and discovery. Your therapy should be a tool to aid you in these dark nights so that you can live to the glory of God.
Keep up the fight!
Several years ago, there was a moment where my depression and anxiety were so overwhelming that I felt I had no other option than to end my life. Not only did my cup feel as though it was overrunning, it felt as though a dam’s worth of water poured into my cup and crushed the whole thing. However, God truly rescued me from that moment. While overwhelmed by these feelings, I felt a rush of peace come upon me, unlike anything I’d ever experienced. There was this sense of God’s presence, and the words “I have more for you” kept coming into my mind.
Though my war with depression continues to rage, God’s grace and mercy continue to overcome my enemy. When the darkness begins to overtake my soul, it is God’s shining light that beats back the demons. It reminds me that my weakness brings God’s strength and that my hope rests in the finished work of Christ who has overcome the world. He is our hope who sustains us by the Holy Spirit and promises us new life here and in the New Heavens and New Earth. Your hope and mine rests not in our ability to overcome our despair. Our hope rests in our Risen Savior.