A Theology of Forgiveness, Part 3 of 3 by Corey J. McLaughlin
Part 1 covered what forgiveness is not. Part 2 went in depth on the two types of forgiveness. Now we conclude the series and offer a personal observation.
Conclusion
Understanding forgiveness in prayer and forgiveness in person can help us to navigate difficult life circumstances e.g. how do you forgive someone who has hurt you deeply, but who has already passed away or is out of sight completely? You must cultivate and nourish forgiveness in prayer.
How do you forgive someone you confront, but they fail to take any responsibility for their actions, lack confession, repentance, and any kind of godly sorrow? Surprisingly, you don’t! At least, not in person. But you do have to communicate your willingness to forgive when they repent of their sins against you and you must always maintain an open channel to God through forgiveness in prayer. Keep praying for that person, perhaps eventually their stony heart will crumble, and conviction will come that will open the flood gates not just to personal reconciliation, but more importantly, reconciliation with God as well.
This also helps us to answer the popular teaching in the secular world that instructs those who have guilt or regret about the past to just “forgive themselves.” God forgives sins and sets us free from them for all sin is ultimately against Him (Ps. 51:4; Gen. 39:9). We forgive others who sin against us and set them free from guilt and regret. But there is no concept where we have the power or authority to forgive ourselves.
If we have sinned against others we need to stop, drop, and roll to them, confess and be reconciled (Matt. 5:23-24). If they forgive us we are forgiven indeed! If they do not forgive us, we are still forgiven unilaterally by the God of heaven and earth. If we fail to accept His judgment writ of freedom, for “where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom” (2 Cor. 3:17), and instead imprison ourselves in a jail of self-loathing, we are essentially saying that His decree is not powerful, life-giving, or in any way higher or stronger than our own fallen opinion of ourselves. God is wrong, we are right. God’s decision is fallible, our own declaration inerrant. Such an act brings shame on the Cross of Christ and humiliates the Gospel message. At some point a Christian unwilling to accept God’s decree of forgiveness for past sins needs to repent of worshipping the idol of self & despair, get right with God, and move on with their life.
A Soul Healed
These categories are not just technical, but practical. In working through my own forgiveness journey (one I have to repeat as I grow through different seasons of life) I have found great freedom in applying these principles to forgive my mother, my father, my grandmother who abused me, and my grandfather who committed suicide, to name but a few. It is wonderful that we have inspirational stories like Corrie Ten Boom choosing forgiveness first when faced with one of her concentration camp captors and then God blessing her with feelings of warmth and closeness after she extended her hand in obedience. She is solidly biblical when she says, “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.” And yet, forgiveness is often a choice we have to make as new emotions are triggered by various circumstances in our life. For some of us cultivating the faith to forgive leads to developing this as a habit of holiness over time. My own journey was not so “Hallelujah angels singing” as Ten Boom, rather it was hard fought, hard won, and at times a challenge to maintain. As far as I can see in my 30 years of journaling, I can trace some basic stages as it concerns one of the most difficult emotional fights I faced, forgiving my biological father in prayer. Not just for abandoning me, but for swearing not to rest until I was put in a grave, and attempting to keep his word on not a few occasions (e.g. a few kidnapping attempts, a drowning attempt, leaving me in the woods to die), gallivanting around town so that I had at least half a dozen other half-brothers and sisters (one of them mysterious died in a house fire while my father looked after him), and a slew of other hurts. Perhaps in sharing what I observed you may discover where you are at and what you need to do next to enjoy the freedom of forgiveness.
Stage 1: As a kid with a basic belief in God - hatred, animosity, rage, vitriol towards my biological father.
Stage 2: Coming to true faith at 16 and learning I had to forgive, but not knowing how.
Stage 3: First year of college - Praying the imprecatory Psalms against my biological father, praying for God’s justice. It is hard to put into words the therapeutic value of these Psalms for those suffering deep wounds of emotional pain. I believe they are not a final place a Christian should end up per se (or the only place), but they are often a helpful first step on the journey and an overlooked counseling tool. Stage 4: Second year of college – Interceding for my biological Father the way that Jesus and Stephen did for the people who rejected them. It took time to pray and not hear the voice in my head cry out to God for vengeance, but as I pleaded, “Lord, forgive my father for...”, bit by bit and more and more, my heart softened.
Stage 5: Third year of college – I remember distinctly this stage taking me 9 months to work through. I began looking in a mirror and declaring, “I forgive my father for...” and that was about as far as I could stomach for the first few months. But every morning I was in the mirror determined to declare God’s truth of forgiveness in prayer. It took me the rest of the year to itemize the specific harms against me. When I could finally say the full page I had written out without any negative emotion, I knew God’s Word and truth was winning over human frailty.
For the last two months I felt the Lord challenging me to go farther, something I would not recommend others do necessarily. I declared each morning my forgiveness in Christ fully and exhaustively, and then followed it up with “Thank you God for my father and for these actions...enumerated...that made me and shaped me into who I am today, and for your providential hand of protection through it all.” That exercise was like purging the last of the venomous poison from my veins.
Stage 6: Re-occurring triggers – When once I thought I had moved past all my core issues and was riding high for years, I discovered the beautiful birth of my sons brought new profound emotions to the surface. Stress, marriage, family all became new triggers for old wounds, but each time it came to the surface, I had a prayer, a plan, and a habit in place. To be sure, the hurt remains and I have had to learn the “sacrifice of praise” (Heb. 13:15).
Stage 7: Forgiveness in person – Perhaps I took the long route to get here! I spent the last few years tracking down old addresses for my father and calling old numbers I could find online. I visited some of these places blindly knocking on doors explaining my story and looking for my father. Just last year my effort bore fruit and I was invited into the house of his ex-girlfriend of 25 years. We sat and talked, I gained insight about his own dysfunctional life, and word spread I was looking for him. And then he called. Again, no angelic choir, just broken humans talking and not even for very long. We have touched base a few times since, but nothing meaningful. The Gospel calls me to keep reaching out and to be open and honest about my willingness to forgive in hopes I can manifest the love of Christ and point him to the Cross and future return of our Savior.
For the last 15 years of ministry my story has attracted a slew of people into pastoral counseling with me; from molestation victims to rape and abuse victims. I use these stages to walk with them in and through their pain. Rarely have I found short cuts. For most, it is a process, a fight, a journey and yet I stand amazed time and again as the grace of our Lord breaks them down and builds them up finally granting freedom in forgiveness. May He do so with you as well dear Christian.
