A Theology of Forgiveness · Part 1 of 3
Note from the Editor: A copy error failed to include the following line from the last paragraph, but which is now included, “God of course, both forgives us our trespasses and brings us into fellowship….”
There is something about the holidays that begins to stir deep dark waters of childhood emotions within me and threatens to sweep me up in rip currents and deposit me far away from my grounding in Christ – the tide of unforgiveness rises in my heart and I must seek higher ground. While my issues stem from growing up with an emotionally neglectful alcoholic mother and an absent father, I am sure I am not alone during the holidays. I used to think forgiveness was a one-time event, and in many situations it can be, but there are also those times when it is not – when past pain floods into the present and has to be dealt with all over again. Of course, some practice denial during this time (“I’m fine!”), or minimize their trauma (“Hey, everyone has a story”), or distract themselves away from the pain in unhealthy endeavors (e.g. binge eating, binge watching TV, pornography, drinking, drugs, workaholism). There is, however, a more excellent way, forgiveness is freedom, but you have to know when and how you should forgive and when you shouldn’t in order to get the most out of it.
Myths Revealed – What Forgiveness is Not
Forgive & Forget?
Anyone with trauma in their life knows right away the myth of “forgive and forget.” One does not merely “forget” a rape, a beating, or years of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, nor the myriad of broken relationships we carry around with us like New England farm stones on our shoulders (which we consequently use to build walls in new relationships!).
Nor does God “forgive and forget” how can He? Is He not omniscient (knowing the past, the present, the future all at once and for all time)? Rather he tells us in Isaiah the prophet, “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins” (43:25, ESV). They are in His mind of course, for God cannot stop knowing what he already knows, but He can actively choose to not dwell on them or call them to mind in such a way as to hold us accountable for them. The Psalmist makes this point clear, “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us” (103:12). Our transgressions are not removed from God’s memory, they are removed from US by God’s mercy.
Forgetting is a passive act perhaps instigated by distraction or denial, but biblical forgiveness is an active choice to behold sin done to us and yet choose to “not remember it”, i.e. not hold that person whom we have forgiven, once they have been truly forgiven, accountable for the hurt and pain they have caused. It means we cannot punish a person’s offense, sins, and affronts against us with justice, rage or vengeance if it comes to mind again after the fact of forgiveness which we have granted (yet God himself may do so for us, so Rom. 12:17-19). In other words, God does not remind us of our past sins and failures after they have been forgiven in any way that would be judgmental, harmful, or in order punish us for those sins all over again. Biblical counselor Jay Adams says “To not remember is simply a graphic way of saying...I will bury [these matters] and not exhume the bones to beat you over the head with them. I will never use these sins against you.” [1}
It is true that God regularly reminded Israel of her prior sins (e.g. Deut. 9:7-29; all the prophets!), but note, the purpose was not to punish her all over again or drag up the past so that Israel would merely feel bad. Rather, God was using her past performance as a warning to remain faithful when surrounded by so many temptations. Applying that principle on a human to human level means, for example, that it would not be wrong for a spouse who has been cheated on to remind their significant other who is going away on a trip to be careful of temptation, to check in regularly, to have a system of accountability with others, etc. in a loving way that seeks to protect the relationship rather than punish the person. Gracious warning, admonishment, and accountability are fair game for past sins, but judgment, anger, and bitterness are not.
Forgive & Be Free...of all Consequences?
Forgiveness can and should cleanse the conscience, but that does not mean it can always clear away the consequences. King David is the best-known example of this. After being confronted by the prophet Nathan for his sins against Bathsheba and the nation of Israel (2 Sam. 12:7-9), God pronounces severe judgment through the prophet – “the sword shall never depart from your house, because you have despised me...I will take your wives before your eyes and give them to your neighbor, and he shall lie with your wives in the sigh of the sun. For you did it secretly, but I will do this thing before all Israel...” (vv 10-12) [ESV]
David, rightfully humbled and overcome with the fear of the Lord confesses, “I have sinned against the LORD” (v 13). Nathan assures him, “The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die.” Yet, the worst consequence comes after David’s repentance and declaration of forgiveness, “Nevertheless, because by this deed you have utterly scorned the Lord, the child who is born to you shall die” (v 14). [ESV]
I have heard stories, even recently from friends, about Christians being robbed or worse, a drunk driver taking the life of their son or daughter and in an attempt to witness to these criminals they refuse to press chargers declaring instead that they forgive the offender. Rather, modeling our actions after God and upholding both mercy and justice would mean forgiving and holding one responsible for their sins. The two are in no way mutually exclusive. Such an action may in fact be the most loving action a Christian can do – for themselves and their own healing, for that person, and for the protection of others in the future (lest the sin be repeated!). David could rightly walk free from guilt because God granted him forgiveness (Ps. 32:1-2; 5), but he still had to face the devastating effects of the choices he made. In human to human relationships when one spouse commits adultery, for example, the other can eventually come to a place of forgiveness, but trust is still broken and it is not readily fixed without great investments in time, effort, and energy. The offending spouse typically wants to get back to the way things were as quick as possible as though there are no natural consequences that flow from such a destructive choice. This adds undo tension and threatens to shatter a broken marriage all over again. This can often be exasperated by fundamentalist Christian counseling which admonishes the wife (as she is often the victim) to immediately resume sexual relationships with her husband for fear that her heart will grow cold and unforgiving. However, what the offending party is usually looking for, is relief from the twisting, gnawing, guilt within. So, to follow through our illustration, dear wife, forgive the repentant believer in the Lord and let their conscience be cleansed, but also make it clear that building trust will take time and that sexual separation “by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer” (1 Cor. 7:5) [ESV] is a natural consequence of broken trust. Jesus demanded proof of faith and we may demand proof of change to bring full reconciliation (even then, the relationship may never be the same again depending on the breadth and depth of sin). [2]
Forgive and Be Reconciled?
A last and abiding myth connected to all of this is that forgiveness means friendship so that once forgiven two people can move on with their life and any and all hurts dash away like water under the bridge. Thus, the relationship returns back to the way it was (if there was a relationship there in the first place) with the two reconciled and living in peaceful harmony once again.
It is important to recognize that every sin does not need to be dealt with directly. The Apostle Peter charges his people “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8)[ESV]. This means every slight, glare, insult, bad attitude (or gesture if you are driving!), does not need to be dealt with through the forgiveness process. i.e. Dig a grave for your self-righteous indignation and die to self for “Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs” (Prov. 10:12 [ESV]; see also Prov. 19:11).
And yet, we are also told that if someone sins against you, you are to confront him/her until they repent even if that means involving others and the church (Matt. 18:15-20). The commonsense way to reconcile both of these teachings is recognize that small offenses should be dealt with quickly and decisively before “the sun goes down on your anger” lest you “give the Devil a foothold” into your life (Eph. 4:26-27), and most certainly before you worship God (Matt. 5:23-24)! Such an act, especially within the Christian community, is a testimony of being a disciple of Christ and role modeling His love for one another (Jn. 13:34-35; Rom. 12:18).
This image was originally posted to Flickr by OregonDOT at https://flickr.com/photos/28364885@N02/24691134235. Licensed under the terms of the cc-by-2.0.
Greater offenses can be forgiven too, but fellowship, or reconciliation does not come so automatically. In these cases, I often imagine two
people standing on a winding road with roadblocks in front of them and a giant hole in front of those. One is the victim, the other is the offender who caused the devastation. Forgiveness removes the roadblocks, opens lines of communication, brings people closer, but does not necessarily repair the destruction. It is the process of reconciliation that picks up the pieces, does the repairing, and tries to assure that it does not happen again. It is possible then to forgive someone who has hurt you deeply and yet not want to be friends with them nor desire to fellowship with them (not an option for a godly marriage!) God of course, both forgives us our trespasses and brings us into fellowship, thus providing an example of how forgiveness ought to work in damaged relationships (1 Jn. 1:9; 1 Cor. 1:9; yet unlike forgiveness, reconciliation is never commanded of the believer). [3]
[1] Jay Adams pointed out the distinction between the passive act of forgetting and the active action of God “not remembering” in his book From Forgiven to Forgiving: Learning to Forgive One Another God’s Way, 1994. While we note the same distinction, his concept of God “not remembering” is not fully in line with the biblical testimony of God bringing up past sins of Israel for the purpose of instruction in godliness. His definition seems broader indicating not bringing up past sins at all. He says, “Not remembering is active; it is a promise whereby one person (in this case, God) determines not to remember the sins of another against him. To not remember is simply a graphic way of saying, I will not bring up these matters to you or others in the future. I will bury them and not exhume the bones to beat you over the head with them. I will never use these sins against you.” He may be conflating the idea with 1 Cor 13 where “love keeps no record of wrongs,” yet again, the deeper point Paul is making has to do with God not maintaining a vindictive and hostile attitude. One can easily imagine a scenario where a Christian father forgives a drunk driver for killing his child, yet he is later called to the stand in a court of law to recount the events of the accident. Is he to say, “I’m sorry, I already forgave this woman so I cannot bring up the past”? Do we not distinguish the tonal difference in the Scriptures?
[2] Jesus expected the disciples to prove their commitment through action (Jn. 15:8) and faithfulness to His teachings (Jn. 8:31). John and James and Peter all admonished their people to prove the veracity of their words with righteous deeds (1 Jn. 3:18; James 2:14-17; 1 Peter 1:7). Demanding proof when people have sinned against us is not a pre-requisite for forgiveness, the forgiveness must be granted upon repentance, but it is a pre-condition for reconciliation. Likewise, the Old Testament called for action, namely, restitution by the offending party (Ex. 22:1- 15; Numb. 5:5-7).
[3] Jesus does appear to make an exception within the bond of marriage in Matthew 5 and 19 as it pertains to adultery. Some Evangelical scholars try to argue that the Apostle Paul included a second exemption in 1 Corinthians 7. Some go farther still to add physical abuse, emotional abuse, or just falling out of love as reasons “desertion” to forgive one another, but end the marriage covenant leaving it unreconciled. See Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views by H. Wayne House. For the historic Christian view for the first 500 years of the Early Church see Jesus, Divorce, and Remarriage: In Their Historical Setting by Gordon J. Wenham. For a unique perspective involving the betrothal view read John Piper’s work Divorce & Remarriage: A Position Paper.